The reality
Child Bereavement UK report that 70% of schools have a bereaved pupil on their role at any one time, that 92% of all young people will experience a significant bereavement before they’re 16, and that a parent of a dependent young person dies every 22 minutes.
This is not something that ‘might’ come up at your youth project. Are you ready for it when it does?
When it gets real
I remember getting a phone call at 6am from a local school in London to explain that a very popular sixteen-year-old boy had tragically lost his life in the night. He had been out with some friends, came home late, and – complicated by an undiagnosed heart problem – choked on his own vomit in his sleep. I was asked to attend a memorial assembly that very morning, then asked if I would stay behind afterwards to ‘counsel’ some of his friends.
I got up, donned my suit, and headed through the morning London traffic. The assembly was heart-breaking. Two thousand students, many openly weeping, a confused and unsure shell of a head teacher trying desperately to find words of comfort, and the boy’s parents, fresh from the hospital on the front row in each other’s arms. It got very real very fast.
You first bucko
When young people are hurting in your youth group, or – tragically – when one of your young people dies, you get hurt. You too are bereaved. You too are going to feel it and need to work through stages of grief and come to terms with loss. You will feel it too.
Counsellors and missionaries have professional ‘debriefing’ sessions, where they can methodically move burdens away from themselves. After a week of counselling, the counsellor will share the stories from therapy sessions with their supervisor to relieve the weight.
We too need to make sure we are not isolated. Pastors, line-managers, mentors, and friends need to be in place to help us process hurt too. If we don’t do this, we won’t be much help to the young people!
What does loss feel like to a young person?
This is really tricky because everyone is of course very different. Consider that a 2-5 year old would struggle more with the abstract idea of permeance or finality; a 5-8 year old might start processing universality, potentially leading to separation anxiety; a 8-12 year old may begin to grapple with their own mortality and fears linked to that; whereas an adolescent is more likely to ask abstract questions (futility of life, etc.), in relationships to their own experiences. Death is a huge abstract concept to process and different ages and people are working at different parts of the journey.
For many young people we work with, death might be a completely alien concept – so even those on the outsides of the blast zone of personal loss might still be feeling grief strongly.
Young people are reported to feel all kinds of emotions including numbness, sadness, fear, tiredness, anxiety, calmness, worry, weirdness, guilt, injustice, confusion and even peace. It’s important for us to remind them that they’re not broken or weird if they are feeling something other than ‘sad’.
With that in mind, young people experience loss and grief much like the rest of us, the difference however, is a developing young person is missing the context of greater life experience in order to frame those emotions.
Our job then is not to manage or steer emotions, but to provide a healthy structure so they can experience them freely and healthily in a safe and secure way.
Does it ‘get better’
This depends on a lot of things – especially closeness to the person lost, however, as a general rule of thumb, loss doesn’t just ‘go away’ but we do ‘get better’ to some degree. Reality changes, and with proper help we are able to move through and beyond, rather than just move on.
It’s interesting how many people start to feel guilty when the hurt changes shape or diminishes somewhat. It’s important for us to encourage them that it’s not disrespectful, dishonourable, or forgetting – it’s just growth and that’s healthy.
A lost person will always be part of our lives, and their absence will always feel ‘wrong’, however that feeling of loss and wrongness does move from the constant central focus so we are able to live on healthily.
Some practical thoughts
What NOT to say to a bereaved young person
Hopefully these are obvious, but let’s say them anyway:
He’s gone to a better place… (it might be true, but the question it raises is ‘so why is that not here with me!?!’)
Everything happens for a reason… (what could possibly be the reason for…?!)
Time heals all wounds… (Actually no it doesn’t. Healing requires time, but that’s totally different)
Try not to cry… (Why the heck not? It’s an entirely sensible, apt, and healthy thing to do!)
Be strong… (So it’s weak to grieve now is it?)
Let me tell you a story about my loss… (How about you just acknowledge my hurt for a while!)
A few more things to avoid
Focusing on yourself rather than them
Denying the seriousness of the event
Devaluating their feelings
Telling them not to think or talk about it
Making assumptions or oversimplifications
Over-reacting (from your own anxiety or fear)
Withdrawing
A few things you SHOULD say
I’m sorry for your loss
I love you
I don’t have the right words, but know that I care
I don’t know how you feel, but I’m available to help
How can I support you?
My favourite memory of your loved one it…
Saying nothing
Many people have reported that the most helpful thing during their time of loss and grief was just a present friend. Someone who just came to be with them, hung out with them, or just sat with them in silence.
The power of presence when it comes with warmth and compassion is both palatable and powerful. Don’t underestimate the power of just being with someone who is hurting.
Grief is exhausting!
It really is! Your mind, heart and body all dial up to 11 and work hard to process this new reality. Off the back of that, patterns and habits start to fall away.
With this in mind we should gently encourage young people to keep eating, drinking, sleeping, socialising (somewhat), and exercising. Even just going for ten-minute walks is important.
Going back to school
It’s important to go back to school sooner rather than later, but it does need to be managed carefully. We can work with the family to help a bereaved young person manage their return well though. This might included:
Half days
No exams / homework
Permission slips to step out of lessons for a break
Who tells the students?
What about the funeral?
It’s important to give young people the choice about whether or not they want to go. Trying to keep them from it because it might be too painful could cause resentment later but forcing them to go might mean confronting things that they didn’t feel ready for.
This choice should be made off the back of clear information. Explain exactly, bluntly, and clearly what is going to happen and why. Encourage questions without pushing and ask them if there is any way they would like to add to the service. This could be reading a prayer, laying some flowers, or picking a song.
If the loss affects you too then you should also make the choice for yourself whether to go, however It might be appropriate for you to ask the family what their expectations for you are. When I have been, I have sat at the back, payed my respects, then let people come to me if they want to, rather than swooping in as the superstar youth pastor.
In the youth club
Prepare the groundwork beforehand by talking about death in teaching topics, creating an open community, and encouraging conversation and questions.
Don’t’ taboo tradition to the point where you downplay any kind of ritual. Ritual can be immensely helpful to help young people grieve and find some sense of closure.
I once went to the school to help during the death of a pupil. I, and a couple of local counsellors and pastors, went to a temporary classroom to be available to chat. The students were also told that it was ok to write some messages or stories on the walls inside if that would help them.
Over the next couple of hours, we saw hundreds of students come through that building, almost all of whom left a message. By the afternoon every piece of wall, inside and outside, the carpet, the tables, the chairs, and the ceiling were covered (and I mean covered) by writing:
There were funny stories of times when friends had gone out and done stupid things together.
There were shared dreams and aspirations of what they wanted to be when they grew up.
There were heart-wrenching, deepest apologies – the guilt of which you cannot imagine.
Myself and the other counsellors walked around like lost sheep. We tried, very carefully, to talk to some of the young people; but that’s really not what they wanted. I shared a hug with a young lad I knew from my youth club at the time, tears lining his face. I had no idea what to say and no idea what to do.
You learn about these times in college and through books, but nothing prepared me for it. I remember tangibly thinking, God please help me take my youth ministry more seriously.
Of course, this is not youth work going wrong, this is youth work working! This is youth ministry at its most pertinent. The creativity of the school gave the young people an uncommonly valuable way of moving thorough their pain as a community. It was amazing. I was there, at best, to facilitate the safety of the activities and the tone of the room. God was obviously, however, in their midst.
This is the power of ritual. Light a candle, create a memorial book – do something tangible.
Resources
I want to plug a friend’s workbook. It’s a practical booklet that you can work through one-to-one with bereaved young people. Grab a copy here.
There are phonelines like Cruise Bereavement, Childline, and Samaritans; and websites like Hope Again, Winston’s Wish, RD4U and Youth Access. These are all helpful. However, I strongly encourage you to familiarise yourself with local groups and networks.
Finally, don’t forget the GP, who can often connect a hurting young person up with groups and therapy that we just don’t have access to.
Finally finally, pray. God is the one who understand bereavement in a way we never could, and he comes with hope and love the likes of which we could never show. Leave it with Him!
In 2016, we won ‘Most Inspiring Leadership Blog’ and in 2017 we won both ‘Most Inspiring Leadership Blog’ again, and ‘Multi-Author Blog of the Year.’ Youth Work Hacks has been nominated in these two categories again.